Monday, August 4, 2008

Hi, It's Mark

Here are three phone calls that ought to take place tomorrow morning...

"Ned - Mark Attanasio. Could you please explain to me what happened last night? No, I saw that part. The whole world saw that part. I'm talking about you, Ned. I watched the video over and over. There you sat on your dead ass the whole time, scribbling on your lineup card! What was so fricking important right then that you had to write it down? You did nothing to break things up. You did nothing to discipline anyone involved. You didn't go check to see if everyone was alright. It was like you were oblivious to what was going on! Then in your press conference you try to sweep it all under the rug like nothing happened? Damn it, Ned! Who's running this team? I've got too much invested in this to watch it get pissed away. If you'd like to just sit and watch these games rather than participate, I can certainly arrange that."

"Ted? Ted Simmons? Hi, it's Mark Attanasio. Were you at last night's game?"

"Prince? Hi, Mark Attanasio. About last night. Look Prince, let me give you a little bit of advice. You are a very tallented young man. You've got a long career ahead of you and you're going to make a lot of money playing baseball. But lately you have been making some very stupid decisions in your life. What you did last night was a stupid decision. Your going to the media about your contract situation. The vegitarian thing. Look, Prince, when you're a professional baseball player, all of these things matter. They matter a lot. And if you want to have a long career in this game you've got to be aware of the perception people have... What? Well, ok, but I think Milton Bradley is an exception. Hmm? Well, Gary Sheffield might be an exception too... OK. Manny Ramirez. Point taken. Uh, huh. True, Ozzie Guillen is still a manager. Mmm, hmm. Well, Coco Crisp was never really that good anyway. Uh huh. I don't know, Prince. I think Jose Canseco only became an asshole after he quit playing..."

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